Eyes Wide Shut

Some people are very difficult to get through to because they are very firm in their views, or they are very stubborn, or on occasions they get angry if they hear something different as it threatens them.

I was delivering a gig in Wellington New Zealand when a heckler called out “I suppose you think you are God.”

I replied “No sir, I think we are all God in that we all have the God Force flowing through us”. He didn’t get it, he was furious.

So if you were God and you wanted humans to evolve a bit because you loved them so much and you had a great sorrow for their ignorance, how would you get people to get off their stuff and their dogma and accept something new? A godless task—tee hee.

So I figured that the only way to get everyone off their Ivory Tower (most of the Ivory Towers are cardboard now due to the crisis) I figured one would have to scare them straight.

So God she says to me one night in a whisper ….“That Mr. Wilde is a bloody good idea”.

I says “Thank you God you are a good egg”.

She says, “How are you Mr. Wilde?” and I says “Well actually, if truth be known, I’m two thirds of four fifth of ruddy awful all the time, this world is pure hell.

She’s says “Tell me about it, I know.”

I says, “Miss God a question please on the hairy-scary front? What ideas can you offer?”

She says “I’ve the perfect one I’ll blot out the sun.”

I said “Ca-rumba ba-bum-ba, can you please avoid France in August I like to go there for a swim and a bit of sun bathing.”

I said “How do you fancy a rain of frogs?” She declined saying it might hurt the frogs.

I said, “What about parachutes?

Frogs Landing Safely

I said, “What about the seven angels with the seven plagues from Revelation that were poured on humanity?

She said, “Jeez’ you are well read Mr Wilde. I’d forgotten about the seven plagues, scrub the sun idea we’ll go with that.”

So I checked into the Marriott as they are Mormons and I knew I could read the Gideon’s Bible without paying for one and I so read the seven angels and seven plagues bit again.

Then I woke up and I saw a vision of five pear-shaped bottles on the side board next to the Fire Escape card (maybe the bottles were vials.)

The card said if you are totally nausea’s off with the Mormons and pissed off at the low-grade, cheesy Marriotts, please use the silk rope provided in the cupboard by clipping it to the leg of the bed so you can shinny down the front of the building and escape. Nice.

I phoned God to ask why there were only five bottles but she had gone to COSCO for one of their summer specials, namely ten crates of Gerber apple-slop for babies. I didn’t know God was “with child”… loads of stuff seems to happen without anyone telling me. (SW)